You Are Enough. You are enough today, tomorrow, this week. You don't need to do more or work harder to gain value. You are worthy as you stand at this very moment. Know this. Believe this. Move through your week with this knowing and great things will appear in your life.
As you move through the different relationships in your life, do you value yourself enough? Have you taken an honest account lately of what you bring to your relationships? How do you show up in meaningful ways for the people you care about? Or are you stuck telling yourself a story of your worth that is old, stuck, or worse, created by someone else?
Really, do you know your worth? Do you look at the house you’ve cleaned and the meals you’ve prepared, and your value comes up short again and again when you compare yourself to insta reels? Did your former self, the one that was free from the burdens of adulting, see herself through a different lens? What happened to her? Where did she go?
When you made the choice to forfeit your dreams so you could be there every single moment for your children and husband what lie did you tell yourself to make it ok? Did you tell yourself that this was only temporary and that you would reclaim your fire once the kids were older? Did you tell yourself that it was ok to let go of the dream, because let’s face it, it probably wasn’t going to work out for you anyway cause you just don't have what it takes?
Stop lying to yourself. Your heart knows you are a warrior. When it comes to your kids you are a fire breathing dragon. You show up to slay their enemies without hesitation over and over again. Why doesn’t that dragon show up for you? Why don’t you let it?
What excuses are you going to make today about why you’re not doing the thing? We both know the real reason you hide behind your coffee cup. You are scared cause what will people say? You haven’t looked at yourself honestly in decades. When was the last time you noticed your accomplishments instead of listing your failures. You’ve allowed insecure people with loose lips to undermine your essence. You’ve cut yourself off at the knees and then looked around to see who was holding the knife.
Take some responsibility and accept you are the one that devalued yourself and gave up. Was there ever a point in your life when you weren’t afraid? Remember the time you made art in your living room and wrote stories that challenged privileged oppressors? Remember that girl in her Dr. Martens holding the invisible sledge hammer in her hands? Guess what, she never left.
Experiences with difficult people including your childhood caretakers made you question your worth. You decided to dim your light so that no one would go blind. You convinced yourself that in order for your kids to shine, you had to turn yourself off. What a stupid thing to think. This didn’t make them brighter. It made them comfortable with the dark. You taught their eyes to focus on the shadows instead of reveling in the light.
Don’t keep hiding behind your well-worn cover of shame and pretend you’re alright. Give yourself grace and show up for yourself instead. It’s not your fault those things happened to you, but it is your responsibility to heal.
Take a breath. You’ve already come this far. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment. Spirit has never abandoned you. Her voice may have been more quiet than a whisper, but she’s always been there, waiting for you with gentle love. Listen to her now. Let her voice grow louder inside of you until it propels your body forward. .
I know this is the scariest thing you’ve ever done and each step forward feels heavier than the last. Do this for yourself. If you need some inspiration look at the faces of your beautiful creations and show them it’s never too late to begin the journey toward realization and truth. Follow your truth. Know your truth. Freedom is yours if you have the courage to take small steps each day towards the sun.
With Love, only with LOVE.
Late one Thursday evening in 2017, my cousin Letty called my mom from a hospital waiting room. “Do you know if my mom’s been drinking? She’s been slurring and tonight while driving home with Biankah she drove off the freeway.” Her mom, Tia Rosa, lost control of her car while trying to exit the freeway. The car ended up wedged in an off-ramp embankment. Fortunately, they were not seriously injured.
After hours of tests and scans the doctor finally talked to Letty. Tia Rosa had a large brain tumor, a glioblastoma. This was the reason Letty had noticed her slurring and off balance in the previous weeks. Glioblastomas are like overgrown spider webs that invade the entire brain quickly. My Tia was immediately scheduled for surgery and then radiation, but the prognosis wasn’t good.
Before her diagnosis I existed in my middle class, suburban life as a mother of 3, wife, and business owner. My days were filled from morning to night with work, drop-offs, soccer, dive, gymnastics, music lessons, fundraisers, corporate events, groceries, cleaning, cooking, laundry, bills, and homework. By the time bedtime came I was usually exhausted, ready to watch my trashy soap for 30 minutes before lights out. But the night I got the phone call about my Tia’s car accident and cancer diagnosis, I was forced to change my failing perspective on living.
It’s truly unfortunate that we wait until bad shit like this happens to accept and embrace the fleeting nature of life. We didn’t know exactly how much time Tia Rose would have so every day took on new energy. This energy was a mix of anticipation, anxiety, sadness, and hope. We prayed for a cure like we’d never prayed before. On a primal level you feel that every single day is IMPORTANT because, well it just is when you’re dying. And my self absorbed, human part imagined what it would mean if I was the one dying instead. What would I do differently?
Towards the end while talking to Tia Rosa she told me about her past loves and lovers. She sheepishly told me she had not been “good”. Her stories made me laugh and cry. But the best thing she told me was this, “I don’t regret a damn thing because I lived.” These words freed my soul. Tia Rosa was going to leave this world with no regrets, and she wasn’t bullshitting. She was a chingona (badass) and I could feel with every part of me she was telling the truth.
The last year of her life made me refuse to have unimportant days. I started a gratitude journal during that time initially to help me cope,, but later to help me notice all the little things in my day I was grateful for. On some days the list was profound and on others ridiculous. One day I wrote that I was grateful for spanx when I had to fit into a much too tight dress for a party. On another day when life was harder I wrote, “I’m still here.”
My Tia died on March 30, 2018 exactly on my 16th wedding anniversary. 5 years later I have streaks when I remember that every day is important and notice the little things that give me joy. Other days have been a grind and I have only existed as I did before my Tia died. But today, 28 days into my 50th year of life, I know I don’t have the luxury to have unimportant days anymore. Every day matters from this point on and they are all important!
I will never be the chingona my Tia Rosa was, but I sure as hell am going to keep on trying so I can also leave this world with no regrets.
From left to right: Me, My Mom Lupe, Tia Rosa, and Cousin Letty
