You stay awake for hours reliving the argument over and over. You replay what he said, what you said. A broken record stuck in the wrong groove inside a delusional brain. Hours upon hours of uncontested examination yields nothing. Ego says, “Why can’t you see that I am right?”
The universe can be a relentless mosquito sucking blood and leaving behind a trail of itchy, swollen bites. It serves painful experiences that are supposed to convert into life transforming realizations. Sometimes you can believe, “Things are not happening to you, they are happening for you.” Sometimes you are just too tired, too disassociated to care about finding purpose in your struggle.
And then an unexpected flash of awareness arises as a quiver in your gut. It whispers, “Let go.” Let go of your ego. Underneath the pain there is an unmet need. Our ego loves crafting full-blown, action stories where you are the hero and your lover the villain. The hero is always RIGHT and the villain always WRONG. But who decides what part you play? Is it fair that you are the judge and jury in your own court case?
Ego loves to see the world in black and white. Two extremes that never meet. Black and white thinking keeps me stuck. Ego wins.
When you enter the world of gray, you step into a new dynamic where ego is demoted and you recognize that your opinion and point of view are equally important as theirs. You are able to see them as the person you love and that person loves you. They are not your opponent. They are your champion. When your heart recognizes them as your lover, your intentions become clear. They just want you to really see them and sit with them sharing their joy and pain.
In relationships people feel alone when they have needs that are not being met. Couples choose to fight about the undone chores as a placeholder for the discomfort and despair living can bring. Overwhelmed by responsibilities and obligations, their pain bodies feed. It's almost unavoidable. Clarity comes through awareness of where ego ends and soul begins. It’s learning how to soothe your love by being present with supportive gestures and a willingness to listen.
Underneath the pain there is an unmet need. The ego loves drama and wants to keep you both fighting to be right. Try and replace the need to be right with curiosity about the person you’ve selected to share your world. What do they need right now? How can you help them feel that they are loved and cared for? Make them feel that their needs are just as important as yours. This curiosity will transform every relationship you value.
Tonight remind yourself that your lover deserves your time. Ask them to share. Be open to what they have to say. Be a compassionate listener and listen without judgment or waiting for your turn to speak. If you are still lucky enough to have their attention, don’t let it slip away by listening to your misguided ego that loves creating stories to keep you alone instead of in love.
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